Loyal Paintings

Paintings are so patient. They just wait for you. Like loyal pets, they are. It has been a while since my last painting time, in a flurry of life like activities, I have not been painting as I so should have. Tonight, I re-did my studio, made it so so cozy and came back to a painting I haven't played with since forever ago. And there she was, just as I had left her, waiting for me to put new colors, new layers, new gestures of myself on to the canvas. Weeks of experience come out in slow patient brush strokes with no purpose only than to be content within themselves. Swirls of colors, layers of the painting are built as layers of myself are finally shed. Ah, sigh, deep breath and contentment, sometimes I wish we could all be painters.

Doorways

Its been a while. The spiral of activity lately had me a: not painting and b: feeling low. I was tired and even though the best antidote for all that ailed would have been painting, i simply hadn't done it. My studio was in pieces as we cleaned it all (and hid most of it away) to host shows. Well, I got it all sorted out, re-organized and ready to paint. And then another distraction...mmm..how funny. Needless to say it wasn't until last night that i got my grit into it and began painting again! And it was awesome. Brilliant! I was totally on, totally in the painting feeling the focus, not painting with my mind, but painting with my heart. It felt great. Not only that, but once in that wonderful place ideas kept coming to me and inspirations. It was actually quite emotional and liberating and emotionally liberating.

I was working on a commission for a fantastic woman who runs an artists tele-summit seminar once a year, and i was combining elements of two paintings that she liked. I had begun working on this painting weeks ago and was not quite feeling it at that time. Something inside me knew that i had to gain more experiences in my own life before I was truly able to paint this painting. And I was right. I have gone through a roller coaster of feelings, activities, work, and mental ping pong. I had to and I had to come out of those experiences with a new self born before I was able to create this work of art. Each time I create art, whether for myself, or for someone in particular, I bring all of myself to the canvas. It's like each new painting is a door to a room. A new room of myself. Each of these doors has a code and the code unlocks the door and the door opens to a new path in my life waiting to be discovered. The sum of my experiences when I approach that door is my decoder and until I have the experience necessary to open that door, i will not be able to clearly decode its lock. This is a great thing. It is as if each painting asks me, what have you learned so far and it is an ability for me to digest what i have learned thus far, purge the items within myself i no longer need and leave them at the door and take into this new room only the elements of my life that are the most exciting and joyful. I wish this was totally the case, i am still quite human and i sometimes bring along items that no longer actually serve me, but can't quite get rid of yet. Nonetheless, the door to the new me is always available. With practice one day I know I will reach that one door that I open and only only only bring the most beautiful and good with me into that room. Until then I will happily continue finding new ways to decode my own locks. Here's to painting!

shows and shows and so

after a marathon of shows and no rest, tonight i feel like this

and yet i say, the unlived life is not worth exploring.
sure wouldn't mind a vacation though. x

Good Morning!

Good morning! I have 6 mins left to say that. It was a late night for me last night, but i had a list of goals and a lot of motivation. Wicked combo. We have a lot of shows right now and for me the trick is to continuously add creativity to the mix. When it becomes all business and busy work: setting up shows, moving and hanging paintings, organizing the studio, putting finishing touches on paintings, sending invitations and hosting or attending parties, I find sometimes that two weeks will have gone by and I haven't painted! I of course, start to implode and the once beautiful world, turns dark.

For me being creative is to be able to express myself. This is crucial. I take in so much. I almost inhale the energy around me, the people, the events the feelings. Moments have their blueprints and they tend to leave certain impressions on me and it is important for me to translate these out of my body. Basically, I will store emotions until I have a place to put them. I have this theory that the human body can house only a certain amount of experiences. When we reach our capacity nothing more can get in. That is why it is important to release old energy and experiences - to simply make room for new ones and to grow. For me, my ideal way to rid of these old experiences is to put them somewhere. That somewhere is my art. Which, for me, is so wonderful because sometimes an experience will occur and I am not even sure how it is being digested. When I paint out the emotional elements, i get to see it. i get to see what this event really meant to me. not just the way it appeared to be, but , but how i processed it. whether the experience is good or bad no longer matters, it is now healthy and transformed because it is out of me.

Anyway with all that being said, i have to remind myself of the importance of this. I can easily get caught up in the business side of the work and forget that familiar feeling of relief and satisfaction of creating, which brought me here in the first place. So last night..er um..5am this morning I had just finished adding pages and uploading my website and i looked over at this unfinished area of my canvas that was calling to me. My head was heavy and I could have crawled into bed, but i knew I had to finish that part. and i did. I knew that if I did, I would feel better. Feel. Better. Feel. Better. And i did. And then I realized I could have painted all morning...funny. Here is the section of the painting from this morning. Enjoy. x

2:22 perhaps?

how long is it going to be before i get my arse painting tonight. well, 2:19 am sounds like a fine time to really really really start thinking about it. oh, even the things we love to do sometimes take motivation. x

An Everyday Portal

Today, while joe ran errands, I waited for him outside of his various locations wanting to absorb as much sun as chicago could offer. At the first location I honestly stood there thinking, um ok, I am standing here now what? As if I needed some sort of activity to validate myself being standing there without purpose. Then I saw something. I saw a tiny garden, planted by the city. It was so simple, green leafy surroundings, red plants, yellow-green bushes, light green stalks with off white blooms still in their cocoons. One flower in all of this had bloomed. Fully. It was like the first solider surveying the area, making sure it was safe for the others to come out. And as I stood there, tiny details started appearing everywhere. The depth of the veins on the plants, the variations of the colors of the earth, the rainbow of greens, the sharp lines of the leaves, the soft wrinkles of that first bloom. I walk down this street all the time, how many times have i passed this garden of beauty and ignored its visual gifts. How often do I skim over the beauty which simple strolls have to offer? Often, I imagine. I actually had my sketchbook with me, which is quite rare, unfortunately, and i started to sketch this garden. The more I sketched, the more I saw. Honestly, it was so beautiful. I felt so blessed to have had to stop there. Suddenly I began to notice more things, the people who passed by (none really glancing at that garden, by the way), the sounds of their voices, the bells on the collars of dogs, the babies in the strollers, the cacophony of the traffic - all of a sudden everything became so vibrant. It was like a portal in a new universe, right there, and available to me every day. The more you see, the more you see. The more I saw the beauty of that corner, i started to see beauty and richness everywhere else we walked. Today was a gift. There is such a wealth to receive in the simple details of every moment. I hope to remember this more often, its' so easy to get caught up in the day to day walk in life, I can easily forget the beauty of each step.

prayers

Some people go to church every single day. That is amazing to me. Their sinless souls cleansed each day by a whisper in a darkened confession booth. Their faith, their connection so tightly knit, in the mind of this devoted disciple, is there any doubt that surely heaven, or or some peace like it, awaits their departure from this mortal coil?

There is no confession booth waiting to cleanse me. My sin rests in my own hands. My church is my canvas. My prayers are my brush strokes, my chosen colors outline my confessions and my tears are the drips on heavily stained alters. I confess that I have not been to church in many days and the weight of it is so heavy that it alters all types of normal activity. I feel closeted, chaotic, unavailable even to my own self. So far removed do I feel, that I wonder if my church will even remember my name, hear my confessions or allow me to pray? So, in a humble moment of genuflection i pick up the brush i left drying for too many days, stand in front of my canvas and try to find the place on the path where I stopped praying. There is a silent verse waiting to be recited and, if i allow it, a voice, maybe some prayer from a distant part of me, will be heard. and answered.